A message to parents

Sometimes, you get many things to learn by thinking merely about your experiences. Not necessarily all, but those which were negative, where you made mistakes. Because there is no such better way towards learning than making mistakes in life.

I started my new year with something new – the biggest confession and the most open-ended talk I ever did with my mother.

I told her about the psychological space which I always found missing between us since childhood. The lack of which is making all youngsters of my age to trust outside people more than their family. Yet I feel grateful towards my parents for everything they provided me, specially education, but like everyone else’s, they would criticize nearly all my interests on the other hand, be it dance performance, singing events, skit plays, or sports. Whenever I wanted to do anything like extra-curricular, I would have to take a stand as if it were some sort of delinquency!

To be honest, when I see any parents encouraging or imploring their children to join hobby classes, one thought crosses my mind often. Why my parents didn’t do it? Why I couldn’t get the same freedom? If they encouraged me in similar manner, life could have been certainly different.

It is still unfortunate that most of the parents don’t even let their child pursue what he wants to do, many parents let just because they are tired of criticizing, and the rest is a very small percentage of parents who not only let their children persuade their dreams, but also encourage them or help them.

I give you my personal example. When I told my parents about my passion for writing and painting, they always reacted instantly in judgmental tone of voice, “there lies nothing in silly things like these. Rather than doing something ‘stupid’, you should spend your time with us”. After getting such a response, why would I tell them about my passion anymore? The moment they said like that, they unknowingly took away the psychological air from me, the basic element in maintaining effective relationship.

The problem is that we are all only looking at the problems, thinking about them and quite often gossiping about them – “Mrs. Malhotra’s daughter, who is only ‘13’ was roaming around the town with a boy without her knowledge! I saw Mr. Verma’s son smoking at the corner of the street! Suresh was caught partying with his friends though he had told his family that he is going to see his hospitalized friend!”

Do we ever dig deep in our own hearts to understand the root cause of such situations?

If the parents don’t give their children a friendly environment to share each and everything fearlessly, and when their children start trusting their friends more than them, such situations start arising. Why do parents think that rearing their child, paying for his education, making decisions for him and inflicting their opinions on him lifelong is what makes them a good parent? Because they are unaware how they are creating a feeling of animosity in their own child’s heart for them which is slowly separating them.

Everyone blames the child and the young generation, but not the root cause of the problem which is simply that – disheartened from the indifference or the acute nature of parents’ criticism, the child searches for other people at school, college or work with a mere thirst for appreciation and understanding, which he could not receive from his parents. This may look like a small problem in the beginning.  But this small problem gradually leads to a bigger problem, which leads to even bigger and so on and so forth. This all happens, when the child starts relying on his friends or outside people for everything, who soon get a total control of his life and lead him on wrong track. This is when we say, the youth is getting spoilt! What a convenient way of taking ourselves completely out of the situation!

So who is to be blamed for it? The modernization of the young generation, or the ignorance and carelessness of the old generation?

It should not be misinterpreted that parents should agree with whatever their child tells them. But giving space means ‘listening to the child with empathy, without comparing your generation with theirs, or your life with theirs, understanding their situation and giving them a logical awareness about the choices they want to make. ‘

A humble request to all parents –

“There is no one apart from you who can truly care for your child and give them appropriate guidance. But to show them the right path, it is firstly important to give enough space to the child to be able to tell you each and everything, so that you can work out the solutions for him. For that, there is a need of empathic listening, which is free of judgment or criticism. Remember that every child’s first and foremost temptation is to seek only your support, but when you are only there to criticize, his heart sinks and still he thinks a thousand times about telling you the truth, but the invisible barrier of your negative reaction and his fear of rejection does not let him come to you.

Listen to him with compassion, understand him with empathy, cherish him for his beliefs and interests even if they are different from yours, because that’s what makes him a different individual, and give him a sane counsel if he is indeed into something wrong.”